It’s been a week since I last posted something here. Having difficulty to move around and having a 3 month baby leaves little time during the day to write. I would like to write more and maybe just need to prioritize to make time for it.
The reason I am writing this blog is actually for two reasons. The first reason is that I searched for people who had my condition and didn’t find anything specific in regard to this type of cancer. I had a lot of questions and didn’t find any answers. Not medical stuff, but more the kind of experiences people were feeling while going through this process. You have so many questions and sometimes the waiting for answers can be quite daunting. So for that reason, I thought maybe if I share this, that maybe someone out there that is going through something similar to me, might find this useful. Every day there is something new, so I will try and post as much as I can still remember while it is still fresh.
The second reason I am writing this, is my own personal journey of what all of this is teaching me. I have to come out of this a better person, a stronger person. I need to take some time out, put on the brakes from all the stuff around me, collect myself and think about all of this that has been happening and process it. If I treat this as a another episode we need to deal with in life, then it will be a lost golden opportunity.
Writing helps me organise my thoughts and hopefully learn from it. I am looking at all of this from a positive perspective, but that doesn’t make it and less scary. I am convinced that there is something good about this…and don’t get me wrong, I am not selling the “you need to be positive” narrative when in actual fact reality is different. Having cancer is scary. But having cancer is also something that puts life in a completely different perspective. It has already shown me things, that otherwise I would never have seen and right in front of my own eyes. It makes you understand that what we take for granted is limited, that life is in fact fragile. It makes you feel like you have been on a winning streak until now, and someone’s dealt you with a bad hand. You muster strength to deal with it, but you also understand that there might just be another bad hand around the corner. Life is unpredictable. I have been living in a bubble. I have seen things I never imagined I would see. The future is scary. Living is scary. But right now, everything is perfect. It could be so much worse. Rejoice and enjoy it and let it sink deep down in your memory chip. I have never been so greatfull in my life and never felt so loved.
Right now, I have more questions than answers, maybe those answers will come with time, but for now they are just questions. Cancer has changed something in me. It was similar to when my baby was born 3 months ago, where you just know, that from that moment on that your life is going to change forever
Picture of my son with me in the waiting room before I got my bandages changed